First Week At The Gym

In honor of the fact that I'm skipping the gym while trying to paint the house--no we're still not done--here's a joke my sister sent me about a woman foolish enough to actually go to the gym. Enjoy!

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. She's so much fun! I think I have a new friend. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT -!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

I Blame the Home Design Shows...

I love House Hunters, and I love some of the other home design shows. I started watching them when I had a minor medical procedure done over the summer and got hooked.

This is a BAD thing. A very BAD THING.

Then I got my husband watching some of the shows with me.

It started with Stainless Seduction. All those pretty shiny appliances.

Now I have a stainless microwave, stove and dishwasher. My old ones needed to be replaced! Honestly! Hubby and I shopped for months until we found what we wanted at a price we could live with.

Harmless right?

Bwahahaha!!!

Have you ever noticed all those two-toned walls in those design shows? The darker walls and white trim? And the Realtor or home designer always says things like, "Paint is cheap!" or "Painting is an easy fix!"

They are LIARS and they should be arrested for FRAUD! And personal injury.

Why?

Because this weekend, we decided we should start painting our house. We did it before, over ten years ago, so surely we can do again. Right?

We spent a day doing all the trim work. So far so good...then my husband rolled the bathroom walls.

Holy Crap! The paint was DARK. It looked beautiful in the bathroom, but the whole house?

Hubby and I crawled in the jacuzzi that night and regrouped. First we tried to talk ourselves into painting the whole house the dark color, but finally we found a way to do a little color correction. The next morning, we put the corrected color on the wall and loved it. We spent the rest of the day painting and didn't stop until nine that night. Then more painting on Sunday.

Sounds like we got the whole house done, right?

WRONG! We still have the master bedroom, bath and entire downstairs left to paint.

And OMG! In the last decade, I have AGED. This morning, when I tried to get out of bed, my knees refused. Flat out refused. My hands are swollen from painting...never mind, I don't need to list all my aches and pains.

But the freshly painted walls look fantastic! I love them!

The rest of the walls are taunting me, "Paint me! Please! Don't leave me like this! Come on, you weenie, shake if off and PAINT!"

Sigh. And this morning, I'm waiting for the plumber to get here to fix a leak under the bathroom sink. The leak one of my darling sons didn't think the mention to me.

Once the plumber is gone, I am going to dive into my book. If I can get deep enough into writing my book, I can ignore the unpainted walls!

Maybe. Okay probably not.

Anyone else think these designer shows are dangerous?

This picture doesn't mean anything, I just like it! It's a graveyard at night. Very moody.

So I went to my doctor's today. This man KNOWS me. "I'm feeling fine, the RA is very well controlled."

With a blank expression, he said, "Let's have a look."

I sign and climb up on the table. He tries to flex my knee and hip. "Your knee is tight."

"I think I was just shifting my weight." Seriously, I said this. I mean I was shifting my weight, but it was because my knee wouldn't bend all the way.

He gave me THE LOOK. "This kind of resistance is typical for people who have arthritis."

I gave in. "Okay, fine. My knee was bothering me yesterday. I think I over did on Monday with walking and going to the gym. But I didn't walk or go to the gym yesterday. It's better today so I went ahead and walked this morning."

SMIRK. "Stay on the meds. Don't try to lower the dosages."

He totally knew what I was going for! Dang.

Then we had a conversation about my elbow which cracked me up. I told him that my husband talked me into painting the house ourselves. Actually my husband wants to paint it HIMSELF but I can't let him do that. So I asked if I should do another cortisone shot in my elbow so I can paint. He said, "Yes, but do it about three days before you start painting. Then wear your brace and..." STERN LOOK "..."pace yourself. You should be able to paint just fine." Then my oh-so-serious-doctor added, "Then you can tell your husband you helped him and ask him what he's going to do for you."

I laughed, then confessed that he does stuff for me all the time so I am just happy to help.

He shook his had sadly. Clearly I was missing a golden opportunity.

What Does a Witch Hunter Look Like?

Like Jason Momoa of Stargate Atlantis. He could be one of the witch hunters in BLOOD MAGIC!